I've had a lot of mixed feelings about the idea of starting a GoFundMe to help me make the transition from running Edzo's for the past 15 years to whatever may come next.

Read More 1 Comment | Posted by Eddie Lakin

A squirrelly little grill cook named Rico who I worked with on the hot line of a steakhouse quietly told me once, in the midst of a busy service when we had 30+ steaks on the grill, different cuts, all started at different times and needing to be cooked to different degrees of doneness, with more tickets constantly streaming out of the printer..."I love being in the shit!  That's when time stops and I can really just exist!"

That stayed with me.  It was a memorable moment for me.  Because my life in restaurants has always been about navigating this strange dichotomy between control and chaos.   At the time, I thought he was crazy...maybe on drugs or something.   But I came to understand what he meant.

 Working the line on a busy Saturday teaches you a lot of things;  communication skills, efficiency, economy of movement, how to prioritize... and how to keep your mind calm and still when things feel crazy and everyone else is freaking out.

And that's a skill that I think has served me well in life generally, in addition to in restaurant kitchens.  

All my life I have been able to exist in the unknown, chaotic spaces without freaking out.  The idea is, like in the kitchen, when shit is flying all around you, just keep your head down, don't lose focus, and work through it.  Trust the process.  Ignore the noise.  You'll get there eventually, even if you're not sure where 'there' is right then.

When my first marriage ended I decided to take a leap and go to Europe without much more than a backpack and some chef's whites.  I only had "concepts of a plan", but I ended up living in Barcelona for a year, finding a great job I loved working for a chef I consider a mentor, and living in an apartment owned by the folks who ran the restaurant I was working at only a block away.  It ended up better than I could've ever planned or imagined and I never would've done it at all if I had gotten hung up on having the right paperwork, the proper work visa, or feeling the need to ensure everything was all set up for me before committing to going.

So now, finding myself at another turning point in my life, not knowing what I'm going to do next, how I'm going to pay my bills beyond the few months my personal savings will provide, I feel surprisingly ok about it all.   

Of course, I still have moments of anxiety.  I'm making lists like a madman (immediate, short term, long term), and I might actually be spending more hours per day doing career stuff now than I was when I was running the restaurant, so it's not like it feels like I'm on vacation or anything.  

It's just that I'm not freaking out.  I'm not panicking.  I'm sitting in the shit.  Existing.  The sound of the ticket machine rattling barely registers, the expediter is screaming at me for the mid-rare ribeyes on 52, I have to pee, and I just realized I'm gonna need to run back to dry storage and refill my salt dredge when I'm already way behind.  But I'm still calm.  I've been here before.

Focus.  Do what I know how to do.  Calmly, but with purpose and a sense of urgency.  Head down.  Be my authentic self.  Use the skills and talents I know I have.  Do the work.  Be diligent.  Prepare but also be flexible.  The path will reveal itself.  Things will happen the way they're supposed to. 

Thanks, Rico.  I'll always remember you fondly for showing me how to exist in the shit and enjoy it. 

Read More 2 comments | Posted by Eddie Lakin

originally written 12/16/2024

During the last week of business, everyone came out to pay their respects, have one last double with garlic fries, one last chocolate shake, and one last interaction with me.

On the first day, I left the online ordering open and allowed the new system to function so folks could order for themselves from the table, but it got to be too much and with our little staff, we quickly became overloaded.  So on the second day, I took it all back full circle, shut down all the online ordering, and everyone came through me, manually punching in their orders just like we did it on day 1.

It was so great to see all the familiar faces, so many regulars and friends who have been coming for over a decade now, and the outpouring of support and recognition really helped with how I'm feeling about the whole thing.

But that one question everyone asked..."so what's next?"  

And....I don't have an answer.  My non-answer became my answer as I navigated the hundreds of conversations.  "I honestly don't know," I'd say, "I've been so focused on trying to keep this place going".

 And that's true.  I just never entertained the idea that it would go under and I would need a plan B, and making a plan B somehow felt like giving up and admitting defeat. So I just never did.

My mind has gone 100 different directions since this all became real.  I've been so focused on the logistics of the shut down, moving stuff out, saying goodbyes, tying up loose ends, but my mind flashes onto sudden realizations now when I'm not expecting it.  So many possibilities.  I should relocate Edzo's somewhere on the North Shore to maintain the brand identity and good will I've built over 15 years.  I should capitalize on the social media reach with over 8,000 followers.  Maybe I'll do something something completely unrelated to restaurants!  Maybe I'll move to Portugal.  

I'm trying to allow all those flashes of ideas to hang in the air and consider them.  Part of me wants to run in completely the opposite direction of what I've been doing for the last decade and a half. Honestly, though, I'm scared that I won't be able to earn a living doing anything else.  I'm 55.  This is all I've done since my early 20's.  I'm freaking GOOD at it.  How can I change fields now, so late in my life?

So, for now, I've decided not to decide.

The good thing is, some of the good will and brand identity I've built over the years seems to be opening some doors.  I've been contacted by a bunch of people from a bunch of different suburbs about opening there.  That's very validating and feels promising, so I'll follow up with all of them and hopefully there's a situation that will make sense for all involved.  

Part of me, though, feels a newfound sense of freedom and relief as the days pass and I don't have to operate the restaurant.  15 years is a long time and I keep having these moments where I suddenly feel that "oh shit" feeling like I forgot something important--missed an employee's text, neglected to place a bread order--lurch for my computer or phone, and then realize...oh yeah, that's not a thing anymore.

I think I had forgotten how much I LIVED the existence of running Edzo's....being Edzo.  I did it for so long that I no longer remembered how it felt to just be Eddie Lakin, person, with a job.  Sure, your job is a part of your self-identity-formation in most cases, but when you own and operate your own business, it encompasses you entirely because you're never not doing it.  And when you're the everyday face of the restaurant, the brand for whom the eponymous restaurant is named, it's even more so.

 So to lose that is a little scary.  

Surprisingly, though, it doesn't feel scary at all.  I mean, sure, the financial part feels scary as in how am I going to make money to pay my bills stressful scary.  That's there, but I've been deep in that for a few years now.  The rest, though, feels more and more like a relief each time a new aspect of it dawns on me.  

I've been amazed at how much headspace has opened up for me and I'm finding that I'm taking care of other arenas of my life better.  I deep cleaned my bathroom.  I've been unpacking stuff that's been in boxes since I moved.... in 2017.  I've caught up on some reading (as in books!) and made a dent in my Netflix watch list instead of just putting on SVU at 9pm and falling asleep in 10 minutes.

I suppose that's all "self-care" and it's a good thing that I'm allowing myself some time for that after all of this.

So that's "what's next", I guess.  A period of rest, reassessment, gathering, sorting and thinking.  I'm going to honor the processes and allow myself the time to let it all unfold.  The layers of business-ownership peeling away, falling to the wayside, new ideas and fantasies that pop into my head (I want to learn glass-blowing!), old ideas that I made a note to pursue someday and shelved over the years...all of it.  I want to go down all the rabbit holes I didn't have time to go down during the last 15 years. 

I can't know what's next until I arrive in the new headspace that going through all these processes will bring about, so I'm not going to feel compelled to make a plan or a timeline right now.   When I get to the right fork in the road at the right moment, I will know.

Read More 1 Comment | Posted by Eddie Lakin