originally written 12/16/2024
During the last week of business, everyone came out to pay their respects, have one last double with garlic fries, one last chocolate shake, and one last interaction with me.
On the first day, I left the online ordering open and allowed the new system to function so folks could order for themselves from the table, but it got to be too much and with our little staff, we quickly became overloaded. So on the second day, I took it all back full circle, shut down all the online ordering, and everyone came through me, manually punching in their orders just like we did it on day 1.
It was so great to see all the familiar faces, so many regulars and friends who have been coming for over a decade now, and the outpouring of support and recognition really helped with how I'm feeling about the whole thing.
But that one question everyone asked..."so what's next?"
And....I don't have an answer. My non-answer became my answer as I navigated the hundreds of conversations. "I honestly don't know," I'd say, "I've been so focused on trying to keep this place going".
And that's true. I just never entertained the idea that it would go under and I would need a plan B, and making a plan B somehow felt like giving up and admitting defeat. So I just never did.
My mind has gone 100 different directions since this all became real. I've been so focused on the logistics of the shut down, moving stuff out, saying goodbyes, tying up loose ends, but my mind flashes onto sudden realizations now when I'm not expecting it. So many possibilities. I should relocate Edzo's somewhere on the North Shore to maintain the brand identity and good will I've built over 15 years. I should capitalize on the social media reach with over 8,000 followers. Maybe I'll do something something completely unrelated to restaurants! Maybe I'll move to Portugal.
I'm trying to allow all those flashes of ideas to hang in the air and consider them. Part of me wants to run in completely the opposite direction of what I've been doing for the last decade and a half. Honestly, though, I'm scared that I won't be able to earn a living doing anything else. I'm 55. This is all I've done since my early 20's. I'm freaking GOOD at it. How can I change fields now, so late in my life?
So, for now, I've decided not to decide.
The good thing is, some of the good will and brand identity I've built over the years seems to be opening some doors. I've been contacted by a bunch of people from a bunch of different suburbs about opening there. That's very validating and feels promising, so I'll follow up with all of them and hopefully there's a situation that will make sense for all involved.
Part of me, though, feels a newfound sense of freedom and relief as the days pass and I don't have to operate the restaurant. 15 years is a long time and I keep having these moments where I suddenly feel that "oh shit" feeling like I forgot something important--missed an employee's text, neglected to place a bread order--lurch for my computer or phone, and then realize...oh yeah, that's not a thing anymore.
I think I had forgotten how much I LIVED the existence of running Edzo's....being Edzo. I did it for so long that I no longer remembered how it felt to just be Eddie Lakin, person, with a job. Sure, your job is a part of your self-identity-formation in most cases, but when you own and operate your own business, it encompasses you entirely because you're never not doing it. And when you're the everyday face of the restaurant, the brand for whom the eponymous restaurant is named, it's even more so.
So to lose that is a little scary.
Surprisingly, though, it doesn't feel scary at all. I mean, sure, the financial part feels scary as in how am I going to make money to pay my bills stressful scary. That's there, but I've been deep in that for a few years now. The rest, though, feels more and more like a relief each time a new aspect of it dawns on me.
I've been amazed at how much headspace has opened up for me and I'm finding that I'm taking care of other arenas of my life better. I deep cleaned my bathroom. I've been unpacking stuff that's been in boxes since I moved.... in 2017. I've caught up on some reading (as in books!) and made a dent in my Netflix watch list instead of just putting on SVU at 9pm and falling asleep in 10 minutes.
I suppose that's all "self-care" and it's a good thing that I'm allowing myself some time for that after all of this.
So that's "what's next", I guess. A period of rest, reassessment, gathering, sorting and thinking. I'm going to honor the processes and allow myself the time to let it all unfold. The layers of business-ownership peeling away, falling to the wayside, new ideas and fantasies that pop into my head (I want to learn glass-blowing!), old ideas that I made a note to pursue someday and shelved over the years...all of it. I want to go down all the rabbit holes I didn't have time to go down during the last 15 years.
I can't know what's next until I arrive in the new headspace that going through all these processes will bring about, so I'm not going to feel compelled to make a plan or a timeline right now. When I get to the right fork in the road at the right moment, I will know.
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Hey Ed. I know you well - since grade school and I am certain you will find your thing and be true to yourself and do something wonderful. Or decide not to. It is your choice and what many people reading this do not know (other than you are a great writer), you were one of the smartest dudes I knew in high school - not just grades - which you were a much better student than most, but you managed to party like a Trojan warrior and make grades and actually know shit so I’ll place a bet on your future and you will be happy - whether you follow a traditional path or do something weird. I’m kind of hoping you do something weird. I’d like to see it whatever it is.